One of my favorite activities in the whole world is people watching. I love watching people, listening to their conversations and then trying to create stories about them. In fact, I think a collection of based-on-real-people-fabricated stories would make a great book. But I digress… I was recently in a laundry mat and watched the little girl of one family run up to the newly arrived little girl of another family. After sizing each other up for a second, the first girl says “Hi! My name is Lizzy, wanna be friends?” The other girl’s face brightened and let out an enthusiastic “Yes! Let’s play jungle explorers.” And off they went.
Besides being a heart-warming and delightful scene the whole things got me to thinking about relationships and how we often go about forming them. I think people often look at the way children make friends, and long for the days when making and keeping friendships were that easy. But, why can’t they be?
One of my most meaningful friendships started in a very similar way as the little girls in the laundry mat. It was 2008 and I was starting my junior year of college as a bright-eyed (if not naïve) resident assistant. I set out that year to form a small group of freshman guys that I would devote to mentoring and discipling them through their first year of college. So my first lunch in the cafeteria the week before school I figured was as good of time as any to start finding the guys to form my group with.
I spotted a very young looking, shaggy haired guy sitting at a table alone. I split off from my group of friends and made my way to this guy. I set my tray down and said “hi”(as he tells it, the “hi” was awkward and laden with nerves). But, once we got past the awkwardness of the first hello, our friendship has become one of the most meaningful of important relationships I’ve had in my life.
The movie I Love You, Man centers around Paul Rudd’s character, Peter, trying to find someone to be his best man and guys to fill out his wedding party. The movie is essentially a bromantical comedy where Peter meets Sydney (Jason Segal) and they become best friends. The movie is one of my favorites and resonates with me for several reasons on many levels. But I bring it up because Peter wants to establish these friendships with guys, and to do so basically has to ask complete strangers on man-dates to become friends with them. I hadn’t seen the movie before that awkward “hi” in 2008, but it definitely reminds me to I Love You, Man three years later.
And in the last few weeks life has imitated art once again. A few weeks ago I had lunch with a guy I had never met (I knew who he was, and we had mutual friends and connections, so I knew he wasn’t some creep that would bludgeon me to death). The same week I had coffee with one of his friends (again him and I have mutual friends). Anyway, during conversation we came around to why I had wanted to get together with them. The simplest answer: I am looking for new friends. In fact, I bluntly asked the first guy if we could be friends. With the second guy I dressed it up in more Christian language of looking for community.
I resonate a lot with Peter from I Love You, Man right now. While my goal is not filling out my wedding party, I am searching for meaningful relationships. I’m at a limbo season of life right now. A previous season is passing away, and a new one lies pregnant upon the horizon. I’ve graduated from my first college, I’m starting grad school in a very specialized field. One of my best friends is moving to California and I’ve into a new house with new roommates. I’m ending counseling soon as well. To sum it all up a lot of my life is in flux right now. The worlds that I was comfortable with and knew the contours of are changing. And frankly that terrifies me.
People are not meant to be a lone in life. We as a species truly flourish in close connection with one another. It is part of the way that God formed us. I am the healthiest in community. I am at my best when I have a strong support system around me; a group of guys that I trust and can be vulnerable with. And my support system is changing, it’s shifting like everything else.
So, that’s what lead me to asking two guys I had just met to be friends. I knew that they were both good guys. I knew there was potential for a strong friendship to develop. But if children can start life long friendships with a “let’s be friends” in a laundry mat. If I can start my best friendship with an awkward “hi!” Maybe I can start other good friendships with lunch and coffee.
May you have the courage of a child to start friendships.
May you see the value and necessity of close friends.
May God bless, nurture, and grow the relationships you have.
May you see God as present, active, and intertwined in all your relationships.
Grace and Peace,
Justin Friel
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